Bangheadhere Weblog

As previously stated, nothing fantastically shocking and/or hilarious has happened in my life to post about. However, my friends and fellow bloggers have been riding my ass about my lack of blog updates so I’ve decided to share one of my best stories of 2008. Now, no worries, just because this is an old story doesn’t mean it isn’t a good one! It’s actually one of my most requested, if I had a nickle for every time I told this story in a bar…. This story is near and dear to my heart and is filed under “Stupid shit Otis has done while intoxicated”. So lets begin.

After conceiving my youngest child WHILE on birth control pills it was determined by both my doctor and myself that I am in fact entirely too irresponsible for that particular method of contraception. Soooooo… for the last 6 years I have had the Paragard IUD.

For those unfamiliar with IUDs, I’ll give a small informative lesson because it’s important for you to understand exactly what I’m talking about so that you can fully appreciate this story. The IUD is a small, “T-shaped” contraceptive device, about 1-1/4 inches wide by 1-3/8 inches long, made of flexible plastic and wrapped in copper like so:

 The IUD must be inserted vaginally, then pushed through the cervix and positioned within the UTERUS by a qualified healthcare professional where it should remain for TEN YEARS, like so:

It is not important that you understand how it works, only what it is and where it is. Please recall that I said it was in the UTERUS. 

On with the story. This took place around June-July-ish, it was hot and when it’s hot I take the kids to the pool EVERY DAY. Well, I was NOT on my period but I’m completely PHOBIC about starting my period in the pool (Eudora is a small town after all and I would forever be “that girl” should that ever happen) so I always, always, ALWAYS wear a tampon to the pool. For the same reason listed above I am also phobic of having an “OOOOPS!”, visable tampon string dangling out of my bikini bottoms and down my inner thigh. So I use scissors to cut the tampon strings off FLUSH with my Bidniss. Yes, I said it, I wear a tampon every fucking day of summer that I later have to go on a fishing expedition for in order to retrieve it because it has no freaking strings. Psycho?? Absolutely, I’ve never denied it, suck it, you bleed in the damn pool.

Anywho… got off track. I took the kids to the pool, came home, removed the tampon then pulled up a chair in the neighbor’s driveway with my husband and my cooler where I preceeded to drink myself plum fucking ignorant. The hubs is a lightweight and couldn’t drink with me to save his ass (but then most people can’t) and he stumbled home to pass out about midnight. I continued to kill my brain cells for another two hours before making my own way home where Steve was passed out in our bed. Now Steve-O, my blessed lustful lover, has this habit of having sex in the middle of the night before his slumbering wife is fully awake so in my alcohol saturated thoughts it occured to me that I better take my tampon out so my drunken bonehead husband doesn’t accidentally shove said tampon up to my tonsils upon uninvited entry. Now, if you recall, I already took the damn thing out earlier that day. But I did NOT recall that. In fact, I doubt I could have recalled my name at that point. So off to bathroom I stumbled to remove the stringless tampon that did not fucking exist.

On the way to the bathroom I disrobed, planning to sleep nekkid, thinking,”won’t Steve be surprised when he wakes up!”. So there I clumsily sat, fully naked on my throne, disoriented and numb from my thouroughly poluted condition, legs spread wide and fishing for the imaginary tampon. As you might have guessed, I can’t find it. I don’t know if I thought that I couldn’t find it because I was so drunk or if I thought perhaps my freaking snatch had just eaten it, I just don’t know… but regardless I continued to search ever deeper and more thouroughly…. then I felt something…. STRINGS!!!

I gave a tug and OUCH! I think “Damn, that kinda HURTS!”. Now, if you have ever worn a tampon while NOT on your period, or worn one on a super light day, or even had to remove one while it was still partially dry then you  know that it hurts/grabs/pulls a little. So because I indeed was not on my period I thought this had to be the case, that it was only hurting and so hard to pull out because it must still be a little dry.

So I pull a little harder and suddenly the room starts spinning out of control and when it stops I’m drenched in a cold sweat and breathing hard. I think, “Holy SHIT, that sonofabitch is REALLY in there!! Better pull harder before I pass out.”

And that’s what the dumb drunk bitch said…

And that’s what the dumb drunk bitch did.

I beared down… got the best grip I could… took a deep breath… and “Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”…… POP!!!!   And the room went black.

Blink. Blink. Blink…. Nothin’, still black. I’m dizzy and weak as a newborn and I can’t fucking see. From my forehead down I feel consciousness seaping out of me. Blink. Blink. Blink…. Finally!! Little oily rainbows are swimming in front of my eyes. Blink. Blink. Blink…. And I can see again. I’m freezing and I’m sweating so bad that I can feel the toilet seat getting slippery under my bare ass. A few more seconds go by and I finally find the strength to lift my thousand pound arm so I can triumphantly gaze upon the wretched, troublesome tampon that I still held in my hand. Still drunk, dazed and confused… still nauseous, dizzy, sweating and weak… I victoriously hold up my prize.

“TA-DAAAH!!”

What??? What is this I see??? This is not a tampon…

I’m so confused, this is vaguely familiar but I just can’t wrap my head around it…. WHAT IS THIS THING…? Am I hallucinating???

So there I sat, fully naked on my throne, clinging to consciousness by a thread, staring at this mysterious THING that I had ripped out of myself, half expecting it to turn into a fucking butterfly and fly away when… BAM!!!!!   It hits me. The realization that I had just torn my IUD from my uterus had the same effect on me that I would guess smelling salts might. So I did what anyone else in a similar situation might do…

I FUCKING PANICKED!!!

I **attempted** to leap off the toilet and race into the bedroom where my beloved husband, my protector, the fixer of all my fuck-ups was still snoozing away completely unaware of his wife’s most recent drunken shinanigans. However… LEAP and RACE were, in fact, NOT what I did because though the mind is now fully alert, the body nearly lost consciousness only moments before and does not yet have leaping and racing abilities. So I kind of fell/stumbled/ran/rolled/crawled naked and bleeding to my husband. And because he is always so supportive and compassionate in these situations he replied “This may go down in the record books as your most expensive drunk night ever.”….

Jeee, thanks alot babe.